Okay, I'm back! Ya~ay!
This started with some heart with some great detail decor to be admired. Then we get to this couple: Aelric and Lyrielle. The chemistry! Love how practical, prickly, occasionally cozy they get with each other. It's got a good engine, I'm rooting for them, so don't stall what drives them together in your revision.
Oh boy, you've got guild systems, merchant politics, noble-house games, and the dungeon's floors are the checkpoints for any isekai; you've built a usable sandbox that even I want to play in. I'll point out the scenes in the guild, the forge, and the noble house as locales I'd be honored to dive into the cacophony of chaos; sounds fun to me. Like, check out the action! When things go boom, like those rituals, the fighting going down in a dungeon, and that Burrowlord scene, you're presenting actual consequences for those who fail. That really does matter because I absolutely hate the scenes where a rowdy, obnoxious "I'm a Silver Medal, Rank 4, Low-Titled, Nearly-Over-Nine-Thousand nobody, but you should bow to me" pricks that get floored for no reason other than just a plot device to boast how powerful the leads are. I mean, if the sensory writing pulls its weight, then I'll be entertained like a kid watching fireworks. Aside from that, your action scenes? Yeah. You can juggle delivery of tension and wow the readers with spectacle.
That's pretty cool.
But... umm... you've got an issue, and I think this is why you are revising it.
Info-dumps. Big ole plops in the chapters, waiting for us to clear through it so we can reach for the goodies I mentioned above. So, it is not the worst I've ever seen. By far, I have read some that caused me bad enough headaches that I didn't bother to skim over them, just skipped it to see if the rest of the story was even worth trudging through.
Traveling reminded me of your pacing. You're explaining stuff like how the guild works and all the fun mechanics, but listening to a lecture is a lot better when the teacher is putting on a performance. Maybe you could move some of those exposition into... into what? Like, if someone gets something wrong, have somebody else show displeasure, but not have it said out loud right away. Split it into smaller reveals across scenes where the characters are gradually learning rather than if they are doing a past-midnight cram before the morning exam. And I'm picking on the registration and rules of the guild scenes here, so we are clear.
Actually, now that it is on my mind, something has been nagging in the recesses of my skull. Your system shows up, disappears, or changes functions. That doesn't have to be explained, but it'd be neat if you'd put in some sort of... not a warning or alarm, but something that foreshadows when that stuff is going to be happening soon. I don't really know how to suggest improving this without telling you, so only consider it as nothing more than a suggestion.
OH! Almost forgot about the "telling" part. Yeah, you have big stakes on the line, but at times the emotional air around the characters isn't being breathed in, but sort of... reported? You remember Aelric's gnarly trauma and rebirth? That is huge, but damn, let us readers feel more of his private point of views on that. This is a request, not a feedback of advice. Okay? It's me being selfish in what I want to see.
Speaking of what is convenient for me, maybe we should talk about what is for certain characters? The slave-buying and that diamond negotiation, and some magic felt a lot like the fixes were intended to be really cute and clever, but sometimes I got the impression you handled it like this scene needs to move along; plot devices. I really should narrow this down to what I mean. So, explain to me why would nobles accept the trade you set up, and what does Aelric realistically risk?
If you don't agree, think on it because, at the very least, it will boost the suspense.
Suspense... suspense... oh, right. The tone ain't very consistent here. When you got terms from a modern, keep more consistently modern like with the metaphors; if it's swords and sorcery fantasy, then maybe you could make them more lean to strengthen the immersion. Either way, make it deliberate; the revised choices you make will echo in every reader who clicks the NEXT CHAPTER
