I'm SouthernMaiden, looking to give some Story Feedback while sick with the Flu [Now Closed]

SouthernMaiden said:

I'm stuck at home with the flu, I don't mind reading stuff. As long as it's not AI. I'm in a weird mood where I want to immerse myself in human creativity.

Click to expand...

Hope you're feeling better

J_Win said:

Welp, I have nothing to lose

Pragmatic Realist in Another World

Shin, a sharp-minded third-year who stays after class to clean, is ripped into another world with three popular classmates. They’re declared “Heroes” and claimed by five nations: the Kingdom of Eisenheim, the Empire of Albionia, the Grand Duchy of Valenbourg, the Republic of Gallionne, and the...

www.scribblehub.com

(Idk if you count prologue as a first chapter but, I hope it is at least entertaining)

Click to expand...

I read the prologue and the first chapter. Apologies my feedback for this one might be kinda vague and bad.

• As you mentioned, you're knowingly performing the tropes of an Isekai anime. Which is fine! You might do this in later chapters, but what's the "twist", what's the deconstruction that makes readers want to continue? You might get this to this in later chapters, but getting to it earlier might allow you to hook more readers. ?‍
• As for the writing, it's a bit overly descriptive in some places for my taste. An example of what I mean, I would get rid of the text in bold (also found a small error that I bolded):

It’s thrilling, in the abstract sense. Also quietly terrifying, the same flavor of terror I get before the brutal final examinations—not loud, not catastrophic, just a pressure in the sternum reminding me I’m about to be tested on principles that will absolutely not show mercy.

Click to expand...

It's great to have so many vivid description, which you do, but I feel that for readability sakes some of them must be cutdown or made more concise. Have you heard of the phrase "Kill your darlings?"

The phrase “in writing you must kill all your darlings” has been attributed to writer and Nobel prize laureate William Faulkner. It means that writers must ruthlessly eliminate any words, characters, side plots or turns of phrase that we personally love but that do nothing for the story.

Click to expand...

That's what I think would improve your writing the most. It's hard as hell to do, but it's the #1 piece of advice in my opinion.

Overall, I think its a good start. Just that piece of advice, and something to hook readers early on to show that you're performing the tropes, but also inverting them (or twisting them) somehow.

CinnaSloth said:

I'll throw my hat into the ring. sure.

Ise-se-Kai 20
Which is something I think people are enjoying reading based off engagement, though, I'd really like some feedback on why, or for what reason. I'm not a big fan of the Isekai genre, but figured I had a funny idea. The Real Title is in the synopsis. I think it'll tell you everything you need to know about this one, but I promise it's a real story, not just complete satire.
&
My Little Sister, The Dark Lord
Which will unforgivingly throw you under a bus, and spit on the remains of squishy goodness afterward, probably having you wonder why you opened this books pages in the first place. lmao YAY! YIPPIE!! This one is a fully imagined story, but mostly satire. It is incredibly niche. Warnings are in the synopsis. Goodluck, I doubt you'll get far. Is that a challenge? Maybe.

Click to expand...

I read the first chapter of Ise-se-Kai 20. I like the concept, it's pretty funny.

And I actually liked the first chapter too, reads like an ecchi manga or something. I don't really have any notes without digging into it way more than I want to do here. There was one passage that could be improved a bit, just for readability maybe split it up or something:

“Aye, everything will be okay.” Uncle pat her back. “Plus, pamili is here! Everyone’s jet-lagged, but come morning? There’s meats in the big freeze, both fridges are stocked for like four parties, eh! Summer barbecue on the beach? Camping? Shaved ice? The twins have the card. I’m leaving the truck. This is like Spring Break for you kids, ain’t it? Have fun! Meet somebody. Make mistakes. Just don’t die, eh, you know? Mama will kill me if anyone else dies.” He messed up my cousin’s hair.

Click to expand...

Besides that, no huge notes to be honest. The first chapter sets a solid tone.

MakBow said:

Yes, it indeed was inspired by Failure Frame and thank you for the feedback

Click to expand...

I'm a fellow Failure Frame enjoyer. It does make me wonder, how will you differentiate it from your inspiration?

SouthernMaiden said:

I read the prologue and the first chapter. Apologies my feedback for this one might be kinda vague and bad.

• As you mentioned, you're knowingly performing the tropes of an Isekai anime. Which is fine! You might do this in later chapters, but what's the "twist", what's the deconstruction that makes readers want to continue? You might get this to this in later chapters, but getting to it earlier might allow you to hook more readers. ?‍
• As for the writing, it's a bit overly descriptive in some places for my taste. An example of what I mean, I would get rid of the text in bold (also found a small error that I bolded):

It's great to have so many vivid description, which you do, but I feel that for readability sakes some of them must be cutdown or made more concise. Have you heard of the phrase "Kill your darlings?"

That's what I think would improve your writing the most. It's hard as hell to do, but it's the #1 piece of advice in my opinion.

Overall, I think its a good start. Just that piece of advice, and something to hook readers early on to show that you're performing the tropes, but also inverting them (or twisting them) somehow.

I read the first chapter of Ise-se-Kai 20. I like the concept, it's pretty funny.

And I actually liked the first chapter too, reads like an ecchi manga or something. I don't really have any notes without digging into it way more than I want to do here. There was one passage that could be improved a bit, just for readability maybe split it up or something:


Besides that, no huge notes to be honest. The first chapter sets a solid tone.

I'm a fellow Failure Frame enjoyer. It does make me wonder, how will you differentiate it from your inspiration?

Click to expand...

not loud, not catastrophic - is typical ChatGPT prose. I know this because I've made use of AI to rewrite rough chapters as well.

You can give it specific promps not to do this, but its generally a reoccurring issue, which is why you proof read and edit.

^_^ I'm pointing this out because you chose to skip out on me due to using AI assistance on the Cyberpunk novel (which is honestly clarified in the synopsis).

Which brings me back to the earlier statement i made - I've read plenty of novels that do exactly the same but have zero problems with it because they aren't upfront about it ?