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#Murim #Romance #Action On a fateful day, a young boy and a young girl meet somewhere within a forest. Meeting the lost and troubled girl, the boy let her live with him under a wooden house built beside a brilliant cherry tree. Years of harmony passed by and the two...
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Please bear in mind that my review is entirely subjective.
The first thing I noted was a lack of description about the woods. "[...] the dense, shadowed trees," is the closest the reader gets to knowing what the land looks like. What color are the trees and their leaves? Are they tall with many limbs? Short with few but long and annoying limbs? What creatures make these trees their homes? Adding details like that would've added more depth. Her reaction to the snake seems, to me, illogical and overdramatic. I get it is meant to show fear, but the ridiculosness of it lessens the impact. Her simply freezing in place with wide eyes would've conveyed the same sense of fear.
"He dressed simply, with a leather pouch strapped to his back and a plain set of clothes" define plain. Simply pants and a shirt of leather or some other type of animal hide?
"With a pair of brilliant golden eyes that seemed to glow with an inner fire" I imagine you are referring to the boy's eyes, but it is a little unclear.
You say he grabbed the snake by the tail. This is a very minor issue, but anyone with decent knowledge of snakes knows you grab snakes by the neck to incapacitate them. He grabbed the neck later, yeah, but him not grabbing the neck right away seems weird. One could argue, however, that he was too far away to immediately grab the neck, so I'll digress.
"Meanwhile, examining the girl's tattered outfit, he cocked his eyebrow. 'Eh? That looks expensive. What is a rich brat doing alone in the middle of the forest?'" If it is tattered, how would he know it is expensive? You don't describe the dress itself, so I can't tell how the boy knows.
"[...] he sank his teeth into its flesh," weird way to describe an apple's peel. You finally describe the girl itself, but I think it is a missed opportunity. You could've described her earlier, then, while the boy was scrutinizing her, make his observations mixed with personal thoughts. Does he think the dress is overly flamboyant? You could've had him wonder why someone would choose to dress in such a weird manner, showing off how he was used to the roughness of his own clothes, or have him admire the work as being finer than what he was used to, showing he had some degree of civility.
Grammar issues I noticed:
"[...]a small, but fast hand" there shouldn't be a comma between small and but.
"[...]movement; Like the sun itself" the L doesn't need to be capitalized.
""That snake isn't the type to attack people. You must have startled it so– …Well, I guess it doesn’t matter."" there being a dash and set of three periods doesn't make sense to me. It might not be a grammatical error, but it just seems weird.
"The girl caught it clumsily but stop and stared at him for a moment." and, not but.
"The boy quickly Shook his head to forget this matter," the S doesnt need to be capitalized.
"[...]sat just a couple feets away from her." feet, not feets. Feet is the plural form of foot, feets would have to be the plural of a plural, which doesn't exist.
"[...]precious gemstones he had once seen from a merchant’s hand." do you mean on?
"The boy facepalm himself," facepalmed, and you can remove 'himself'
"But unlike his expectation," weird wording
"his rationale wavering to his moral" morals
Overall thoughts:
Over all, my only real issue with the chapter was the lack of description. I feel like there could've been more descriptions, some objective, some expressing the character's feelings on whatever was being described. "The intricate patterns on the girl's dress entranced the boy," for example. That and grammar issues aside, the chapter is good. The dialogue was good and the chapter left enough questions(who's the girl? Why is she running in the woods? Who is the boy? Why is he there?) to make someone want to read more of the story.
Overall, I'd give it seven agitated beavers(possibly high) out of ten.
